Pop.11 Exercise four – written in the style of Girls Are Pretty dot com
Unhealthy Obsessions Are Healthy Day
You thought you could see your skin tanning as you stared at Irene’s pigtails.
You went to the office kitchen to get your fourth soda of the morning. And second chocolate bar.
As usual you re-arranged the plates in the dishwasher rack so that were all the same way around. You have to do that because nobody else does. Everybody else in the office just shoves their plate in any way round. How will the plates be clean if they are not all stacked the right way round?
But as you did the re-arranging you could feel your bowel settling. You felt like you needed to go to the toilet. But it was a special toilet-need feeling. You felt like this time, you wouldn’t have to strain for ten solid minutes to pass a turd that felt as hard and as round as a cricket ball. And after passing it you wouldn’t have to sit through the three voice roundelay of your panting gasps (voice one), your thumping heart (voice two), and blood dripping from your wrecked anus splashing into the water (voice three).
You went and it was good.
As you put the roll of toilet paper the right way round on the holder you felt your skin shimmering. The shimmering continued as you started every spare roll on the shelf and pushed the new ends into the centre of the cardboard cores.
In the mirror over the sink you looked fantastic as you washed your hands. You had tanned, blemish-free skin, and biceps that filled your T‑shirt sleeves just nicely.
Later you’re at the printer at the same time as Irene.
“Have you been working out?” she says.
“No, I have a secret,” you say.
“Care to tell me it sometime?” Irene swishes her pigtails in the way you love but have never mentioned to anybody.
“How about over a drink after work?” you say. “I can tell you about my skincare secret too.”
Irene looks down at her printout.
You notice she’s touching a spot on her face.
She’ll never speak to you again.
Happy Unhealthy Obsessions Are Healthy Day!
You thought you could see your skin tanning as you stared at Irene’s pigtails.
You went to the office kitchen to get your fourth soda of the morning. And second chocolate bar.
As usual you re-arranged the plates in the dishwasher rack so that were all the same way around. You have to do that because nobody else does. Everybody else in the office just shoves their plate in any way round. How will the plates be clean if they are not all stacked the right way round?
But as you did the re-arranging you could feel your bowel settling. You felt like you needed to go to the toilet. But it was a special toilet-need feeling. You felt like this time, you wouldn’t have to strain for ten solid minutes to pass a turd that felt as hard and as round as a cricket ball. And after passing it you wouldn’t have to sit through the three voice roundelay of your panting gasps (voice one), your thumping heart (voice two), and blood dripping from your wrecked anus splashing into the water (voice three).
You went and it was good.
As you put the roll of toilet paper the right way round on the holder you felt your skin shimmering. The shimmering continued as you started every spare roll on the shelf and pushed the new ends into the centre of the cardboard cores.
In the mirror over the sink you looked fantastic as you washed your hands. You had tanned, blemish-free skin, and biceps that filled your T‑shirt sleeves just nicely.
Later you’re at the printer at the same time as Irene.
“Have you been working out?” she says.
“No, I have a secret,” you say.
“Care to tell me it sometime?” Irene swishes her pigtails in the way you love but have never mentioned to anybody.
“How about over a drink after work?” you say. “I can tell you about my skincare secret too.”
Irene looks down at her printout.
You notice she’s touching a spot on her face.
She’ll never speak to you again.
Happy Unhealthy Obsessions Are Healthy Day!
posted by autran at 10:15 pm
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